What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 09:23
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Put me off passion for life!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
How has your life changed since starting college?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She married twice! .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Does a person with schizophrenia hear voices?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I waited trembling.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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He knew the spot.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
How does a person become transgender?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is soul school!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I said to her
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We were not on the streets..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I have no regrets .
My life is so biszare .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was scared of men, in general
I was very sick at this time too.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it wasn’t much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I never cut or harmed myself..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I could never make a relationship work though!
All the time i was locked up.
I think the readers, may guess!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She wouldn,t have been !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I will be 64.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was in good health!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Comes on , in middle age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What did i know ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..